Depression is [not] a Funny Thing

To all of you on whose del.icio.us accounts and RSS feeds I have resided, silent, for the past three months and those who have been subjected to accidentally reading "George Bush Hates Black People" multiple times (Gi), I humbly apologize. I have a handful of dedicated readers and fans who I have let down and frankly there's no damn excuse for my shoddy performance. My bad, kids; it won't happen anymore.

To be perfectly honest, I have been miserably immersed in one of the most serious cases of depression I've experienced since perhaps high school, and though I do not see a light at the end of a tunnel or have any hope that I will someday "get better" and be magically cured of my chronic ailment, I do recognize the profound need for social interaction, no matter how acutely unappealing. Somewhere in my addled brain I love my friends and am thankful for the good things that do exist in my world.

Not being able to find a job in the past 8 months has truly shaken me. I look at my resume and it's perfect. It's sharp; it says things like "2 years at a major publishing house" and "nearly 4 years at a critically acclaimed newspaper." On it is my dual degree and my excellent GPA.
After the "sure thing" at the group home fell through dramatically and painfully, I've applied for every job listing I see that's even remotely related to my experience, but not a single place has replied. My temp agencies have even stopped returning my calls. I feel like a joke. Incomplete. A waste of life.

Now my family is falling apart back in Indiana. Between the floods destroying my hometown and washing away a beloved family pet a month ago, my dad's mental state deteriorating and my grandmother dying a slow, agonizing death of esophageal cancer, things are rough and I am having a really difficult time even getting out of bed. I feel like I've abandoned my family when they need me most and for what? The colossal failure that has been my post-college experience? Despite the love I have for my partner and my friends, was coming out here a mistake? What is wrong with me that I just can't seem to make the right decisions? Just some heavy questions I'm dealing with.

So, I cleared out my meager savings at the urging of my partner, and Wednesday I will be heading home to Indiana for a week to say hello to my family and goodbye to my grandmother. Maybe then I'll be able to put some things to peace and regain some semblance of confidence. I don't know, but I hope something better will be waiting for me when I return.